Thanks to an awesome recommendation from New Age Hipster I've been reading Tosha Silver's It's Not Your Money: How to Live from Divine Abundance and in the usual way in which the Divine works - this book came across my life in exactly the moment I needed it the most.
I just started reading it yesterday and I'm not even done but I feel compelled to share the impact it's already had in my life. See yesterday was a day filled with a ton of self-imposed stress and anxiety around letting go. Around trusting the Divine's plan and removing the burden of control, expectations and outcomes that I so often place on myself. Asking me to relinquish control is like trying to take candy out of the hands of a toddler who has already had a taste. It's impossible and it's so ingrained in me - that need, that desire that in those moments nothing else exists. And yet I have known for awhile that it is one of the biggest lessons and things that I am called to overcome.
So I ask myself - Maricella, if you know this why can't you just do it? Why is it so difficult? Why does letting go literally feel like death? Like if I let go I will die. That's legit how it feels to me. It has become such a part of me that I wouldn't know how to even if I tried. And obviously knowing that it is something I needed to do didn't help - wanting it to happen didn't work either because no matter how much I tried and prayed and thought I surrendered - I wasn't able to. And I felt like a failure. Because doesn't it make perfect sense that in trying to relinquish control - I was trying to control exactly how or what that should look like? It became a vicious cycle that I was determined to get out of and yet unable to. Cue in Tosha Silver.
It was at the point that her book presented itself to me that I had finally come to a place where I accepted that this is not something I could do alone. That I needed help. That in order to give up - I needed to be open to receiving from others. And so despite my insistence that I could do it all on my own - that I needed to do it on my own - I finally relinquished a bit of control. In the past week I attended a beautiful healing ceremony, met with my Reiki teacher to receive some of my own Reiki love and will be later today attending a sound healing gathering. Additionally, I've had some pretty amazing Reiki sessions with other people who in the sharing of the intuitive messages I received for them - I realized were messages just as much for me. The Divine was speaking and sharing through me to others and back at me again - haha! We really are all connected!
Tosha's book is all about trusting, letting go and complete surrender. For me money has been one of the main roots of my own fear so the book came to me in that format but in reality the message is about so much more to me than money. For me it is about complete surrender of my life to the Divine. To trust wholly and completely that I am exactly where I need to be and that when it is time to act, I will be guided to do just that. And while these are words I would have said that I knew and understood, I needed to be open to receiving them from someone else for it to actually resonate with me. And for the first time in my life - I surrender. (ps - it's 11:11 when I stopped writing this so I'll take that as a huge amen sista from above - Thank You!)