I've been a bit MIA. Turning inward as I prepare for what is to come.
I, Maricella Nayeri, being of sound body and mind have made the decision to leave my full-time job at the end of this month. My position is not being eliminated. There are no changes in family circumstances and I'm not being forced out. I'm simply leaving. The reason? Something along the lines of "doing my own thing" or "following my bliss." Whatever that means. But what I do know is that I've hit a wall. One in which it feels virtually impossible to no longer venture out on my own and start creating a life that I choose to lead.
With that said it's difficult to build something that you don't even have the blueprints for. And yet, the pressure to do something remains. Whether that is to keep up posts on this site, come up with cute Instagram posts that align with what I'm trying to create, network with like-minded people, read a book, or just simply "put myself out there." And if nothing else then at a minimum the sense of urgency that I'm reminded of each day that my source of financial reliance will soon be coming to an end with seemingly no plans to replace it in near sight. Did I mention this was a choice I made all on my own? Ugh!
And yet all I've wanted to do the past month is hide. To curl up in a ball, throw the cover over my head and rest. To retreat from the outside world and take nothing in, just the sound of my breath. I haven't logged onto this site for over a month. All I've posted on Insta lately have been a few random updates on my kiddos. The most I've read are a few pages here and there and aside from seeing a few familiar faces interactions with others have been minimal. Oh and hows that notebook page on plans to make money after June? Blank.
So here I've been. Pulled with the invisible pressure to start creating and with the deeper inner-guidance telling me to rest. So I've been choosing to rest. To not log on as much. To not put things out there that feel forced. To not commit to things out of a feeling of obligation. Instead I've been in a place of trying to let go and trust. It hasn't been easy. Several words come to mind on a daily to describe my inactivity. Lazy, selfish, irresponsible, depressed, hot mess...you choose. And yet what if. What if instead of beating myself up for not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing, I express gratitude to myself for doing exactly what I need to be doing. Nothing.
I made a conscientious choice to rest which essentially is what leaving my job is all about. To have the space necessary to create what resonates with my heart. And yet to be able to tune into that I must be willing to rest and retreat so it would be silly of me to resist the one thing I'm moving towards - space. And the funny thing is that even though I have been resting, I have also been creating. Less of it being from me and more of it coming from others who send ideas and inspiration my way.
I trust that all of the things that follow will fall into place as they need to. For now I will rest and when inspiration hits or when support comes as it is needed to pull me back into this life as it exists, I will accept it with open arms.