Fear is my friend. I like to welcome her often - whether it be for Sunday dinner or morning tea. She has become a constant companion in my life - ever knocking - ever present. And I have found that despite my best efforts to ignore her, it makes her all the more insistent on hanging out. And so I have begun to welcome her in, slowly and cautiously. I have greeted her with a warm welcome at the door and have invited her in. Let's talk she said. And now I listen.
And she says...
Don't fret my child for I have never left you. That which you have hid, ignored and denied has always been. I have worn many masks but I am now here - bearing my all to you free of illusion. I have arrived to tell you that it is not I that you have chosen to deny but yourself. In your feigned ignorance you have chosen to live a life full of excuses, expectations and conditions. A world in which barriers and limitations abound, the freedom of which is so far removed you would not recognize it if it came knocking on your door. You have claimed it is other who have dimmed your light and the truth is that you have chosen to dim it yourself. Beneath the veil of your illusion you have tried to live a life that is full of comfort and knowing. A life in which feels safe and yet in that safety is exactly that which you have been trying to break free from all along - me.
In your recognition of me you become free and in your freedom may you find peace. Peace with the understanding that you can deny me no more. Peace with the knowing that no longer will I remain in hiding. When you sense me I will be in your face I will knock the wind out of you if necessary - I will tug and pull until you listen. Listen to me so that you may listen to yourself once and for all. To finally recognize that I am not to be ignored - not to be put into a box - not to be swept under the rug. To understand that it is your choice to ignore me or to hold me by the hand. To hold me in love and let me know that it is okay. That you see me, that you are sorry, that you forgive me and that you love me. And in your love I ask that you release me.
I have been your constant companion since childhood. I have been present in the warm embrace of your children, in the admiration of a beautiful bird on a rainy day and exchanged as a comforting meal with loved ones. And in that way I have served you. Served as a reminder of all that we choose to create. That in our creation of that which does not serve us we may choose to let go - we may choose love. In my love for you may I have served as one of your many teachers. May you deny me no more but instead hold me in peace, thanks and forgiveness. Should we ever cross paths again may you look upon me with fondness and greet me warmly, welcoming me over for tea after which I will depart. After which my return will no longer be needed.
Lately I’ve been afraid of falling. Wearing boots all winter with no traction on the bottom does not help - but neither does all this winter ice. But this immense fear happened almost overnight. Suddenly I have this irrational and very real fear that I am going to bust my crap on the ice and break something. It has gotten so bad that about 5 minutes into taking an evening walk with Matt yesterday I just about cried and almost turned around to go back home because ice was everywhere - almost as though it was teasing me - daring me to walk so I could slip and fall. Because yes, suddenly ice can talk.
Matt who so kindly offered his hand on a particularly tricky piece of ice made the comment that he's not afraid of falling and suddenly it hit me. I am so afraid of falling which is such an accurate metaphor for my life right now. Transitions await and my fear - while I recognize it - has kept me stuck. Afraid to leap I am clinging on to any comfort I can find. And not even shoes with better traction can help me because this is a fear that runs deep. In that moment all I could be grateful for was returning home after that very scary walk.
We live across the street from a school which means that on any given day there are numerous cars parked in front of our house. And now arrives winter - and with all the snow piles the only saving grace has been the narrow pathways shoveled out for us to access the street from the sidewalk. The problem is that lately all I seem to be able to notice is all the cars that park directly in front of our cleared walkway, preventing me from accessing the street from directly in front of my house. I was so angry one day that I wrote a note and left it on someone's car. I was polite enough in the note but inside I was fuming. Like why would someone do that? Do they not see the cleared pathway? There's obviously enough space on either side of your car - why do you have to park directly in front of it?!!
So as I always do when I am angry - I took a deep breath and I reflected. What does this mean? Why am I so angry about this? All this means is a little inconvenience to me in terms of having to go around the car or walk a little further down in either direction to another open walkway. The thing is I could fall on our walkway but for some reason it doesn’t feel as much of a risk as going the other direction. What I came up with in that moment is that it is comfortable to always know where you are going but that's not how life works. Sometimes there are things thrown our way that we need to adapt to. And I know I am supposed to take it as a sign from God that in that moment - that particular direction is not for me. The problem is my ego and my shoes win - always. And what that manifests as is fear and anger. I was able to calm down enough in that moment to have enough sense to remove the note from the car and leave it as that but I still struggled with the message from above and I knew this is something I'd be working on for awhile.
A call and a clearing
As I do every morning after dropping my children off at school, this morning I went home to meditate before getting ready and going to work. I received a lot of messages but one very specific call to action which was to donate my shoes. Now anyone who knows me knows I LOVE shoes - or at least I did. When shopping I was more likely to leave with shoes than any other piece of clothing. Over the last year though I have reduced my clothing and shoes significantly which was a huge feat. But today spirit so gently reminded me that I wasn't yet done letting go of the one thing I still struggled to release. My shoes, my comfort. Up until this point I was more likely to donate a pile of clothes rather than shoes on any given day despite the fact that I probably have worn the same 2 pairs of shoes all winter long. But when spirit talks I listen so into the closet I went.
One step forward . . .
I felt accomplished and clear. I left the house with a huge bag of shoes and a bunch of Mykel's old school bags to donate. The song "bag lady" comes to mind, "Bag lady you gone hurt your back dragging all them bags like that...." I mean yes - talk about releasing!! My shoes, my comfort - them bags - the crap I carry around with me all the time. I'm well on my way. Woohoo!! I'm free! I step outside into the bright morning sun and then bam! Frozen, like a ton of bricks. What awaits me but a flippin car blocking our walkway who clearly had a good 20 feet on either side front and back and yet here it was - blocking MY path!!! I then proceeded to do what any sane person would do. I turned back around - walked into the house and screamed so loud I was certain the neighbors heard. Once I composed myself I left the house, bags in hands, on shoulders - everywhere and I just stood in front the car - suddenly the weight of the world on my shoulders - and I cried. In that moment all I could do was ask why - ask God for help because I just couldn't do it. It was too much. And it was then that I noticed the logo on the wheel -Subaru.
For those who aren't familiar, Subaru is the Japanese name for the Pleiades star cluster which is also represented in their logo. And I knew - this was happening just for me. All of it. A welcome home of sorts. The return to source - to who I am - to where I came from - to what has kept me supported. To what has brought me back to my own light. Myself. And I surrendered. And in that surrender I walked in either direction - home.
Message from Spirit
The return home. You are a wanderer. You are meant to explore – not in the comfort of the paths that are neatly laid before you but out of the confines of all the structures and binds that keep you tied. You are meant to be free and move with the elements - with the wind. To create your own path not follow that which others have created for you because it is there and it is safe. You are meant to trek where no others have gone far and wide because that is who you are. Your path will not lead to destruction – it cannot. It is impossible as long as you are the one leading it. The fear – the practicality of it all is not lost upon you. It does not feel practical it does not feel safe and yet it is the only path you can possibly take. The only one that is known to you. Everything else feels unknown and beautiful. Unknown and beautiful. Full of possibilities.